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09 October 2010 @ 11:24 pm
Gather round, all ye weak-hearted fools....how greatly you suffer.

This is a thread of Love, Sex, And All The Emotions That Come With It.

If there is something on your mind related to your romantic or sexual life at all, please, don't hesitate to let it all out right here.  Satan is always listening. Are you upset? Do you want to cry? Are you angry? Do you want to scream? Or, conversely, are you bursting with joy? Do you want to jump up and down and squeal? This is the place to do it. Show me your most private thoughts.

Or, if you'd like to have sex with me, we can arrange that as well, I'm sure.

Ready..... go!
Gold: waaaahaurumrush on October 9th, 2010 02:38 pm (UTC)
'sup Satan!

I don't really think about you all that much, and most of the time I don't even believe you exist, but since there's nobody else around I might as well let you hear me out.

I'm in a real tough spot right now! So y'know Reina, and y'know how I like her and shit, and y'know how I also happen to be her good friend, right? The whole thing seems to be going in a direction I don't like, and I think I wanna rant about it.

She's told me about it before, the way that she tends not to have many close friends because she fades in and out of "groups"....she'll be close to a bunch of people and then her work or her personal life ends up changing pretty drastically so she falls out of touch with people. It always happens, she says. People naturally just kind of drift apart, and because of how busy she is, it happens pretty frequently with her.

But she also told me she doesn't like it. She wants to stay close with people, but it's hard for her. I think, in a way, she's pretty lonely that way, y'know. And so... being the naive dumbass that I am, I decided I was going to be different. I decided I wasn't going to fall out of contact with her, because I decided that I would care more than the others. And simply by doing that, simply by caring more than the others, by actually putting an effort into staying close with her, I figured that we could be close forever.

And yet.... I'm starting to feel it happening already. In just the few moments that Elpis was born, the direction of the war changed drastically. And ever since that drastic moment, just like she predicted, the people she spends her time with are quickly changing. Because of Elpis, she's started to find the Pokemon trainers unnecessary, since of course we're not the main instigators of the operation anymore. Elpis is. Other stuff is.

Other stuff, like the butler. She made some kind of weird contract thing with the butler guy and now he seems to have taken on the role of Resident Badass and Generally Suave Hot Guy. (If you haven't guessed, I was the previous holder of these titles, so I'm more than a little pissed.)

But even so! I want to be different! I want more than anything to keep the same relationship that I've had with her so far, and yet I already feel like it's disappearing. I can already feel her breaking away from us Pokemon Trainers, and in turn, from me.
Gold: waaaahaurumrush on October 9th, 2010 02:52 pm (UTC)
part two, sorry I'm a loudmouth
I feel a little evil cuz I'm kinda like SCREW THE OTHER POKEMON TRAINERS, I don't care how they feel or what happens to them in the end, I hardly even talk to them these days. I've been pretty busy taking care of Elpis, after all. I have no time for their stupid antics.

Which is what I wanted to talk about next. Elpis.

I take care of that kid more than anyone else in the kid's life. I catch myself accidentally referring to myself as Elpis's "old man" and silly stuff like this, just cuz I can't help it, I pretty much raise him. All the stuff he does comes from me! And... that's cool, I like being helpful, and I like Elpis. It's just....

I can already see that this is becoming some kind of unhealthy crutch for me, as an attempt to stay close to her. Like there's no other way for me to stay in her life unless I put myself in some kind of position of importance in it, like helping take care of her child or something. But it hurts like shit, y'know? When she looks at me nowadays like I'm just some kind of babysitter, without the same look in her eyes she used to give me before whatsoever.

I ask myself everyday, is this because I confessed? Was that my fatal mistake? Or is it just the natural course of things, like this was going to happen anyway or something? More importantly, I ask myself, why can't I let her go? Even when she makes me so angry, as she ignores me completely and looks to her new hot butler replacement for sex and conversation and offensive assistance and all the stuff I used to be for.....ha, "for", maybe that's the problem here, maybe I've been viewed as some kind of tool, always "for" something, from the very start.

I don't know.

I really didn't want to be like those other stupid virgins she told me about, the ones around my age who she always regretted sleeping with because they ended up falling head over heels for her.... I told her that wouldn't happen, and then it did, and I feel like the stupidest fucking hypocrite, y'know, and so extremely childish, like I couldn't separate sex and love like I was so proud of myself for supposedly being able to do. Why was I proud of that when I hadn't even had sex before her? Why did I think I had some kind of "experience" to gauge off of?

Fuck. Just fuck it.

....is what I want to say! But I can't. I can't just walk away from this unhealthy thing I've got going here, right now I'm at the point where I don't even want to go back home if the opportunity was presented to me, because I'm so tangled in all of this. I love her and I'm stupid and I'm reduced to a nanny but I don't want to be just a nanny and I want to be close to her forever and aaaarghhhh!

I feel so pathetic.
Super Fighting Robot VAVA: UP--cone of shamevavarazzi on October 9th, 2010 03:02 pm (UTC)
Dear Satan. :(

Sorry to bug you! My name's Stork, if you didn't know. I hope this isn't weird or something.... I often get told that I make things weird! I don't mean to, really!

Anyways, I just wanted to say... that I'm worried. Not to be selfish or anything, but... I'm worried about myself, and my love life. Because at the rate I'm going... I'm never going to meet a girl, and I'm never going to get married!

I really do enjoy being Egret's apprentice, it's like a dream come true for me, but more and more each day I keep feeling like I'm digging myself into a hole I can't really escape from... at one of the most pivotal points in my life--my youth! I keep thinking things like "WHAT IF I END UP LIKE EGRET?"...which is silly, because Egret IS who I want to end up like! I think.

But Egret isn't married. Egret doesn't have girlfriends. Egret doesn't fall in love. :( Call me a sappy romantic all you like, but it's true! I want to fall in love someday. I think I even want to have kids. But how can I do that if I'm following in Egret's footsteps?

It scares me sometimes!

Okay, that's all I wanted to say. Sorry to bug you!

Super Fighting Robot VAVA: LUPIN III--yikesvavarazzi on October 9th, 2010 03:04 pm (UTC)
do you have any idea how fuckin' confused I've been ever since that day

that was a fuckin' weird day

Super Fighting Robot VAVA: LAND BEFORE TIME--angstvavarazzi on October 9th, 2010 03:16 pm (UTC)
I truly have a million things to rant about in this space. I may have to make a few more comments later, because I think my sexual and romantic problems are rather...numerous. But for now, I will just say this.

I'm in love with a dead guy, and I hate it.

No, stupid, not like that. I'm not talking about necrophilia. I'm talking about Spacecell. He's most definitely dead. Still no sign of him anywhere, and it's been this long, and he was already kind of patriotically suicidal.... it's hopeless. I'll never see him again.

But I miss him so much. Foolish of me, isn't it? I didn't even know him for all that long, but.... it was long enough. Reina is annoying enough to constantly call me just a pervert, like I was just into him because of the ~novelty~ of him being a Jellyfish alien and such...... but she doesn't seem to understand. The gravity of this. If her insults were correct, then I'd have moved on by now. I would be trying to fuck Leftgreed or her husband or the countless other Jellyfish I deal with on a frequent basis.

But I'm not trying, because I don't want any of them. I want Spacecell. I want that stupid idiot Spacecell, who has no redeeming qualities except that he's a colonel which lends him some prestige. Still. Why do I like him? No, why do I love him?

It's embarrassing enough to be gay in a culture like this. But it would be nice if I was able to tell people in a mature way, "This is my boyfriend", or "This is who I'm in love with" and have them nod and think "Well, I have to admit, I would date that guy too if he were straight." But.... this is Colonel Spacecell we're talking about! Introducing him to other Sharks is just embarrassing. But for some reason that I can't explain, I'm very much in love with him. I guess love doesn't have to be explained.

I want the feelings to go away so I can move on. But it's a bad combination.... love, possibly unrequited love, mixed with grief. It's driving me mad. I want to talk to someone about it, but I have no one to talk to, as even Reina seems to think I'm an idiot for being in love with him, not to mention I think she thinks I've forgotten about him by now.

I'd give anything to have him back.

But maybe that's a dangerous thing to say in your presence, huh?
Super Fighting Robot VAVA: INVADER ZIM--red & purplevavarazzi on October 9th, 2010 03:28 pm (UTC)
I love my wife so much, but I worry about her and our marriage.

I know it's all about trust, and I trust her... but.... it's hard not to worry.

We've been apart for a long time now. The children are growing cynical.

It's like an army-wife situation, except for I'm playing the role of the army-wife, despite being a man. Ugh, reversed gender roles. *shudder*

I guess I'll just have to continue to wait it out. I know that I can wait forever and ever, as long as it takes. But can she? That's what I'm worried about. What if she's sleeping with black people? I hope I'll see her again.

Edited at 2010-10-09 03:34 pm (UTC)
Super Fighting Robot VAVA: ADVENTURE TIME--:cvavarazzi on October 9th, 2010 03:31 pm (UTC)
Does my bride still love me? :( I want her to have the baby but the baby isn't popping out. Maybe we did it wrong....

I never see her anymore. I hope she didn't forget she has two husbands, and that I'm the most important one. ._.
Super Fighting Robot VAVA: LOONEY TUNES--uhvavarazzi on October 9th, 2010 03:37 pm (UTC)
Sometimes I feel like the things I want out of sex are impossible to achieve without rape. Even with people like our dear sweet Heron! If only she was a bit more adventurous.

And if only I was a tad less...... sick.

Edited at 2010-10-09 03:40 pm (UTC)
Super Fighting Robot VAVA: LOONEY TUNES--en gardevavarazzi on October 9th, 2010 03:50 pm (UTC)
I feel good. Perhaps for the first time, I feel good.

I'm a little cautious--jumpy even, like a rabbit--because I'm not used to, well, feeling anything, especially not so early on....but still, I'm feeling something. And it's a good feeling.

There's a lot of shit about me that she doesn't know and it might make her run away from me, but for some reason I feel like she wouldn't mind that much. And that's why she's special.

Hah, I can't help but blush a little. ///
Super Fighting Robot VAVA: LOONEY TUNES--anvilvavarazzi on October 10th, 2010 01:03 am (UTC)
I am constantly, constantly filled with regret and yet all I can do is pretend to be uninterested or oblivious, because I don't know what to do.
Super Fighting Robot VAVA: LOONEY TUNES--best face evervavarazzi on October 10th, 2010 02:25 pm (UTC)
jfc what is this, /r9k/ or something
Super Fighting Robot VAVA: MOOMIN--wigglyvavarazzi on October 11th, 2010 02:26 am (UTC)
Why am I so incapable in the realm of love and sex? I spend so much of my time worrying over my lack of significant other. My brother, on the other hand, seems to not give a damn at all, and yet he seems to be slightly more popular with the ladies... I'm so jealous. :(

I've tried that too, y'know. Tried to "play it cool" like him and see where it gets me. But... I always fail. The way that I naturally am gets in the way. My "handicap".

To be honest I feel like it'd be easier to have a girlfriend if I were a hideously deformed paraplegic, somehow. Why do I have to be so scary? Why is this so hard? Why do I have to ruin every chance I get by accidentally causing hallucinations and bleeding from the head? Why did those bastards in the real world make me this way?


:( :( :(

They say in those cheesy romance movies that I often watch (yes, I admit it!) that even if you think you're awful, there's someone in the world who thinks you're wonderful, and can see past your....physical flaws. Where is that person? Why can't I find them?

I want to be in love...
Super Fighting Robot VAVA: PEANUTS--doghousevavarazzi on October 11th, 2010 02:28 am (UTC)
I'd never admit to this in person, but these days I want nothing more than to have an amazing night of three-way with Reina and Gold. A perfect triangle of passion, neutrality, and hatred.
Super Fighting Robot VAVA: LUPIN III--hubba hubbavavarazzi on October 11th, 2010 02:47 am (UTC)
I'm so addicted to jerking off! I can't help it! This thing I've created is just so....so....AMAZINGLY HOT. I jerk off to my own characters in the shower, and at the computer, and sometimes even when I'm driving, like I'm just so horny I can't even make it home without touching myself at the stop light.

oh god there is so much wrong with me LOL

Did you know that I'm the ultimate creeper, SHINIGAMISatan_01.tyz? Sometimes when SHINIGAMIReina_0000005.tyz's asleep I go into her room and start quietly slipping her shirt up over her shoulders, and I touch her bare breasts and kiss her soft lips, sometimes I even bite them, and then I lay next to her and jerk off right there, while licking her ear and rubbing my fingers all over her most sensitive bits and sucking her nipples and sometimes I even blow my load out all over her panties and only clean up part of it and then she thinks something is kinda weird in the morning but she doesn't really understand why and it's the hottest thing EVER you have no idea. I LOVE THIS DIGITAL WORLD THAT I'VE CREATED, it is perfection.


The only one who understands me is my bro 73, who I'm beginning to feel guilty about as a character, like perhaps he's just a lame self-insert or something. Haha.
Super Fighting Robot VAVA: INVADER ZIM--sweet mother ofvavarazzi on October 11th, 2010 02:47 am (UTC)
Super Fighting Robot VAVA: LUPIN III--heyyy D:vavarazzi on October 11th, 2010 02:52 am (UTC)
Uh. So like, I'm the normal brother, and I'm having some trouble figuring out what kind of gift to get for my girlfriend's birthday, but that's about it.
Super Fighting Robot VAVA: CRAYON SHINCHAN--dancevavarazzi on October 11th, 2010 03:17 am (UTC)

!! ANCIENT KLINGON PROVERB: Act, and you shall have dinner; wait, and you shall be dinner. !! says
: sup bro

not listening says
: shut up and help me think of a present for my girlfriend... or is asking you a really bad idea

!! ANCIENT KLINGON PROVERB: Act, and you shall have dinner; wait, and you shall be dinner. !! says
: LOL why so mean :[
: I'm fucking helpful and you know it

not listening says
: then throw an idea at me

!! ANCIENT KLINGON PROVERB: Act, and you shall have dinner; wait, and you shall be dinner. !! says
: cosplay outfit. could make things more interesting in bed. *wink wink*

not listening says
: that sounds like an awful idea. as expected.

!! ANCIENT KLINGON PROVERB: Act, and you shall have dinner; wait, and you shall be dinner. !! says

not listening says
: what the fucking fuck
: you are not going to be ogling my girlfriend you fucking creep

!! ANCIENT KLINGON PROVERB: Act, and you shall have dinner; wait, and you shall be dinner. !! says
: lol

not listening says
: i'm going to go over to your room and kill you right now

!! ANCIENT KLINGON PROVERB: Act, and you shall have dinner; wait, and you shall be dinner. !! says
: why. what'd i do? idgi

not listening says
: i think maybe i should go for... some nice jewelry or something? as long as it's meaningful though. i feel like if i pick the wrong one it just seems like i didn't try hard enough. you know what i mean?

!! ANCIENT KLINGON PROVERB: Act, and you shall have dinner; wait, and you shall be dinner. !! says
: seriously, nao? i am disappoint. you need to learn to listen to the wise words of your genius brother.

not listening says
: i don't know, did you read my screen name at all

!! ANCIENT KLINGON PROVERB: Act, and you shall have dinner; wait, and you shall be dinner. !! says

not listening says
: for fuck's sake

Edited at 2010-10-11 03:18 am (UTC)
Super Fighting Robot VAVA: MONSTERS INC.--mockvavarazzi on October 11th, 2010 03:19 am (UTC)
Why you archive samples of yourself looking like a complete idiot is beyond me.
Super Fighting Robot VAVA: HANNA IS NOT A BOY'S NAME--casvavarazzi on October 11th, 2010 04:06 am (UTC)
That one was from like a year ago, though! Here's the convo from this year.

: another year, another failure
: eh nao

not listening says
: what are you talking about

: your girlfriend's birthday. again. you never know what to get her.
: the jewelry thing kinda sucked, right? lmao

not listening says
: yeah.... i dont know. maybe i should write her a love song or something.

: good idea!!!! it can be called "you're pretty hot but not as hot as the girls in me and my brother's game"

not listening says
: i don't think i even want to be associated with that game anymore
: for real

: i can't just do it ALONE
: i already dedicate so much time to it, you hardly do anything

not listening says
: i've got better things to do

: this year I'm going to buy your girlfriend a gift FOR you

not listening says
: don't you dare

: she'll appreciate it, i promise. i'll even write your name on the card.
: te, te, te...

not listening says
: .........

Super Fighting Robot VAVA: ANIMANIACS--ahhh!vavarazzi on October 11th, 2010 04:09 am (UTC)
I still don't know what the hell you're plotting!
Super Fighting Robot VAVA: ED EDD & EDDY--cutest icon ever madevavarazzi on October 11th, 2010 01:53 pm (UTC)
This isn't really about the same kind of love as everyone else has probably talked to you about so far, Satan, but I feel like I should mention it here all the same. I still hate your guts though, so don't misunderstand or anything!!

But anyways....moving on to what I was saying.

I love my client very much. I probably shouldn't love her so much, in fact... it's unhealthy because she's as serpentine as they come... and yet I can't help it. I would follow her to the ends of both heaven and hell, because she's amazing, and I love her.

But.... there's a problem with that. And it's that I'm just an angel. A fake angel. A very confused fake angel. The fact that I'd be willing to so easily change to a demon at the drop of a hat, all for her, is alarming. It makes me doubt my own credibility.

I'm too good to be a demon and too bad to be an angel, and I just want to be whatever she wants me to be. I would do anything for her. But she doesn't seem to know what I should be either. She seems to think I need to keep doing my best at being an angel, but then she tells me that it's hopeless and that she's given up on Heaven forever.

What am I supposed to do? All I want is her approval....if she gives up on Heaven, I don't want her to give up on me too. What if that's already happened? That would be... awful. I admit, I'm a pretty shitty guardian angel, one with chronic laziness issues and a horribly addictive personality....but I try, I really do. I try for her. Everything I do, I do for her. I love her.

I wish I could save Reina. I want to save her so badly. I want to be the amazing angel that leads her in the right direction, to purity and peace! But at the same time, I want to just make her happy. And her happiness comes from doing wicked, serpentine things. So.... what am I supposed to do?

I guess I'm not really supposed to be thinking in terms of what makes her happy. I'm supposed to, as her angel, think in terms of what would make her a virtuous person. But.... I hate that! I'm not going to lie, I hate it! I hate turning her into something she's not. I want to encourage her to be good, because I think there are times when she feels proud of being a good girl once in awhile, but...I think she deserves a little time to be naughty, too. Because I want her to be happy! I want her to live the life she wants to live. I want her to slay all the people she wants, and I want her to have all the sex she wants to have (with me would be nice, erhem), and I want her to make horrible choices without being lectured.

But if I were to just give in and let her do that and become a demon, maybe she'd hate me. I could easily imagine that. Her thinking of me as some kind of quitter or something, when all she really wanted all along was someone to guide her down the path of righteousness or something. So... it's like, no matter what I think, I can't make any decisions. Because I don't want to fuck up. I want her to love me forever.

Does she even love me for who I am to begin with? I love her so much for who she is, not just as a client, but as a person.... but I can never tell if she feels the same way with me. Maybe she just puts up with me because I'm her angel. But what if I wasn't an angel? What if I was just a human? Would she even care about me whatsoever, as a person? It's hard to say.

I'm confused and scared. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to please her, and that's really all I want to do. I think I want to talk to her more about it, but I always get all frustrated and start yelling or crying or something. I hate how emotional I am.

Why am I so bad at my job.....

Edited at 2010-10-11 01:57 pm (UTC)
a timelord victorious.: INGLOURIOUS; i haven't lost my charmebolavirus on October 12th, 2010 08:12 am (UTC)
It's weird to talk to you because we've met before. It's hardly like talking to someone I don't know.

But first, I say shame on you for the way you and my daughter seem to be so connected. I attribute every failure in her life to the toxic air I'm sure you breathe into her on a daily basis. She's a huge disappointment because of you. Good job. I'm sure you're proud.

...but anyways. I'm very frustrated. My husband doesn't sleep with me, obviously, otherwise I wouldn't look for other sexual endeavors. I'm no whore.

But... I really want to sleep with those triplets. Have you seen them? It's so wrong...but.. look at them! I think they want to do it too...you demons are horrible with your temptations.
a timelord victorious.: AMY; apple facesebolavirus on October 12th, 2010 09:10 pm (UTC)
REINA - part 1
I hate how fucked up I've become. I think of all the things I've done, and just... holy shit. How did I manage to dig myself into such a hole like this? Honestly, it feels like one thing after another. I've...

Murdered thousands of people
Destroyed full species and their planets
Harvested human hearts
Sacrificed humans to places
Had sex with a lot of people, especially when married
done a million OTHER things that didn't make this list.

When I look at myself in the mirror, I don't even recognize myself as I used to be. I see absolutely nothing to like. It's true that I've...become a lot more...compassionate or something than when I was on Mars, but the levels I've been taking shit too is just -- how did I get so fucked up? How could someone just not see what I was becoming and not stop me? Or...see it and be okay with it?

When someone tells me they love me, I don't understand it. I feel like they're stupid, or that they're so much about me that they don't know and... if they did know, they would change their mind immediately. Maybe that makes me too self conscious or something, but it does a number on my relationships. I'm very insecure. I can't stand it. I don't love me, so I think, how can someone else just... love me all willy nilly? Putting themselves in danger like this -- I don't get it. Of all the poor life choices, why choose me?

I'm hardly faithful at all. When was the last time I didn't cheat on my husband or boyfriend or whoever?

I'll be honest, I don't even try. I tell them up front that I'm probably going to cheat on them, but... I make no effort not to. They agree and I suddenly feel like I have a green flag, and I just keep going.

It's really frustrating though. The way people view sex. It's not my fault, okay, I'm...addicted. I admit it. I actually need it to function correctly. If I don't have sex, I don't think straight because I get headaches and then I get irritable and I snap at people and all of my strategies become shoddy and arghhh

I wish sex always meant nothing though. And sometimes--most of the time--it DOES mean nothing... but not to everyone else. People like Gold, or Kaito, or other people who end up clingy and in love with me--those people make sex a big problem.

I'm not innocent of this either though... sometimes when I have sex with someone, I do develop close feelings to them. I do like to see them all the time. But... it's not love. Not all the time.

Edited at 2010-10-12 09:56 pm (UTC)
a timelord victorious.: BABY; are you stupid or somethingebolavirus on October 14th, 2010 08:21 am (UTC)
REINA - part 2
Where do I begin? There are so many men in my life that I just...I don't know what to do about them. I don't know quite how I feel about all of them either.

M is my husband, as you know, and I love him with all of my heart. He's actually my... third husband or something.... but that doesn't make him any less important. M is one of the people I feel the most comfortable with, but lately... he's gotten a little soft, and I'm worried that he isn't going to favorably react to the way I do things anymore.

He used to love the way I worked. The way I got shit done. But now... I can't imagine he would be so pleased. I didn't consult him in a lot of the things I've been doing recently--things that are actually probably incredibly detrimental to our relationship and the whole "growing old" together thing. I keep thinking about it, and how I should feel bad, but I...don't. I don't feel bad. I feel annoyed that he would assume he should get a part in the affairs of my soul and the souls of my children and all that stuff...

...I know it's silly to be annoyed by that. And thinking about it, I sound really ridiculous. Of course he should have a say in those things! But the children aren't biologically his, so part of me wants him to stay the fuck out of my choices. I know hes my husband and he loves me. What's mine is his and what's his is mine...

...however. I can't help but feel like what's mine is still mine and what I do with my things is none of his business. I'm sure he doesn't trust me with the kids, the way I just sell their souls willy nilly like I do. He probably thinks, "Reina never wanted to be a mother. The lives of her children mean nothing to her... what if she does this to our children too?"

And he'd be right. What's to stop me? He could stop me, sure, but only in theory. I'm sort of an unstoppable force of bad decisions. Good luck to all of you who try to stand in my way. I wonder if he worries I might sell his soul too? Like I've sold mine. Oh, how angry he'll be when he finds out...

I had a really hot dream about him the other day, after I got to hear his voice on the phone. I forgot how much I like his voice. It reminded me that sex with him is some of the hottest sex I've ever had. I had a dream where he pinned me down, tied me up and had his way with me. It was a very good dream. It reminds me that I miss him.

Is it wrong to not miss him when he's gone? I mean, yes, I miss him -- but I feel as if it's not as much as he misses me. I kind of forget how to feel those things when work gets to be a big deal. I feel guilty about it too, because I'm pretty sure family has become his absolute number one life priority... when my priorities are exactly the same as they were. What if I'm not the marrying kind?

Work, sex, love. It's a very tight three way tie, but my love/family life comes a few points underneath the two.

But at the same time... I treat sex like it's eating and sleeping and drinking, so should that really even be on the list of priorities?
a timelord victorious.: THE DOCTOR; listeningebolavirus on October 14th, 2010 10:29 pm (UTC)
REINA - part 3
Sometimes I look back though. I look at what I had with Max and I think of how much I took it for granted even though it wasn't particularly the sort of relationship I was looking for. I used to call him the worst thing to ever happen to me, for a lot of reasons, but Max's love was... mostly unconditional. I could leave for months, days, weeks and everything would remain the same.

Our family was perfect. It was unusual--so incredibly unusual--but it was perfect. Mum, Rupert, RGB... myself and Max. We were all so close. It was like the family I had always wanted. Max was just like Mum, and I was just like his father. Our relationships were so similar that it gave me hope that Max and I could work out. It proved that there was someone for everyone, that someone could accept me for the horrible person that I am.

I slept with his brother, and I slept with his father. I thought about sleeping with his uncle, Officer James, but he wouldn't have anything to do with me. He said I was "too much like his brother," so he refused to speak with me. Like that's a bad thing though! His brother is a very successful man in his given field. I enjoy being like him. And the sex was great, too, I've never found someone who I was so very in tune with sexually and intellectually.

And Rupert...he made me want to be a better person. It's funny to think that a guy like this could be such a good friend to me. He's a police officer, so he strongly disapproves of the things I usually do. But I don't mind. I like it. I even make an effort to do nothing illegal around him.

Sometimes I just show up and I sleep on his couch and I commandier his dining room table and I use it like a war room. I plot out strategies for invasions or whatever I'm working on at the time. I do my best work in his living room, actually, so maybe I should visit more often. His home is like a safe house because nobody would really expect me to go there. Why on Earth would Rupert have company, some people ask? You see, Satan, Rupert doesn't have many friends. Others might say things like, why would his brother's ex-wife visit him? Both of those are good questions. But I don't think about them. Rupert takes me in, always without complaint, and he makes me food that's usually mostly edible and I eat it, and we spend time together-- sometimes silently because he's got to train and I've got to strategise, but we spend time together nonetheless. It's sort of like a Sherlock and Watson situation sometimes. He tolerates my existence as I do weird shit in his home when he's not here--and sometimes even when he IS there--and he complains if I do anything too weird, but only a little bit, and normally I ignore those complaints and I continue making hydrochloric acid in his sink.

Well...maybe not hydrochloric.

Other times Rupert and I will watch Hot Fuzz and drink cranberry juice together because occasionally I do actually respect his will to not drink.

Even though his morals were top notch... we slept together occasionally. I might be the closest thing Rupert's ever going to get to a girlfriend... but that's stupid. I hope he finds someone soon. He's the best person I know.

Edited at 2010-10-15 05:10 am (UTC)
a timelord victorious.: WILSON; oh god why you do thisebolavirus on October 15th, 2010 01:26 am (UTC)
REINA - part 4
But back to Max. He was lonely, and I kept him that way. Perhaps not consciously, but part of me needed him to need me there. Part of me was punishing him for what he did to me even though I told him over and over that I forgave him.

Aaand on good days I did forgive him. But most of my days were not "good" days, in fact most of them felt quite bitter.

You see, Satan, my life was good before Max showed up. It was fucking great. I had a good thing going, but one day Max comes in and he saves me from a vampire and he... suggests that I have two lives and then tells me we need to talk about that. And everything changes. I am definitely not who I was before I met Maxwell Brown, agent 700 of the Secret Intellagency of Britain.

....they don't even HAVE that many agents!

I was just fine before I met him. Before I... knew I was another person. I remember the extreme, disgusted-in-my-gut feeling I got when I realized it. I felt more sick than I ever have before. It was like something in me suddenly rotted away and died in my gut. I don't know how to describe it. But it hurt more than anything has hurt. I think at that moment I gave up on something I'd never given up on before. I just -- I can't forget the feeling, and I can't accurately describe it. But it killed me.

Max never understood. Nobody really did. He thought he could eventually fix it and make it better. He didn't realize how much my life as Miyazawa Hiro was important to my life as Shinigami Reina. Once Hiro was realised, I kind of... forgot how to function under stress. When I was stressed, I'd step out of this life and into his and I would be able to wind down and relax and come back a new and improved stress free me when it was time to go back to work.

....now I'm a mess most of the time. But no. Max's the best thing to ever happen to me!...at least that's what I tried to convince myself of. I managed to believe the lie just a little bit, but fuck. You know what I mean? I couldn't stop thinking that if it weren't for Max, I would be so much better off.

Max did more or less everything I despise in a relationship. He showered me with doting attention, he called me every single day...

...but at the same time, all those traits I hate in a lover, Max made them feel a little different. It made me believe in unconditional love. I tried to tell him all the horrible things I did, I tried to convince him not to love me -- but none of it worked. It frustrated me, but also had me happy.

Our first argument was about...was it a fish? Something really stupid.

When I asked for a divorce, I was doing it mostly as an apology. But when Max agreed... I was heartbroken. He wasn't supposed to say yes. He was supposed to slap me and tell me I'm stupid and he it would be okay and all of the other things he should've said...

I don't know where I'm going with this. I just -- I'm annoyed at myself for losing the one thing that was good in my life, even though I took it for granted and all that stuff. I have a new husband now, so that's good, and I love him, but sometimes I look back on Max and get so mad at myself for fucking that up. All the kids called him daddy! But...all the kids are gone, just like Max. Except a lot more permanent.

One of these days, I want to go to the pub with Rupert and accidentally run into Max and then pretend like I don't think about him. And ignore him the rest of the night. Haha, wow, I hate women. Why do we do this?
a timelord victorious.: DONNA; are you yelling at thin airebolavirus on October 15th, 2010 05:05 am (UTC)
REINA - part 5
Max left me because he found out I was having an affair with Naruru last year on Christmas. And then... just as I thought there was a bright side, that bastard Naruru threw me out just like Max did. But a lot less gracefully. And then you know what else? We lost our son, Yutaka, and he was fucking confused about it. He was all OH I SURE MISS OUR SON FIND HIM YOU'RE THE MOTHER

well, you bastard, maybe if you had stayed with me WE WOULD STILL HAVE A SON god damn also WHAT THE FUCK he LEFT ME FOR A GIRL HE WAS WITH FOR TWO WEEKS

I don't get him at all. Did he think I would just always be there with him? That I'd always love him?

I recently came to the conclusion that I will definitely destroy him, however. When I return to Earth, I will take him for everything he has...and then I will kill him. In some sort of amazingly epic way. I will make him regret doing everything he did to me. All the fucking time I put into my relationship with him, pining after him, I will make it worth it by seeing the horror in his face when I pull the trigger.

I remember when he proposed to me out of the blue. That was my favorite proposal, by the way, I just didn't want to mention it because M's proposal was cute but not as...perfect as that one. The way Naruru did it. The way he knew me so well, and it worked out so well... too bad I said no because he fucked it up. Should've been there with me when I read it, you know? Should've asked me to be his fucking girlfriend first. He'd never even taken me on a date...

The Christmas a week or two later, I ended up rejecting him and being really upset and crying and quitting my job and having to lie to Max so he didn't figure out out and oh my god WHY DO ALL MY CHRISTMASES SUCK seriously WHAT THE FUCK is this God's way of punishing me for being a jerk? Son of a bitch.

I still can't fucking believe he sold me. HE SOLD ME and he doesn't understand why I'm so furious with him all the time. Just­­--there is no trust there now! None! He lost the best employee he ever had. I will tear his face off with my fingernails.

It just hurts a lot, you know? Being tossed out like that after everything I've been through with him. After all the lengths I've gone to to do the right thing for him. I loved him so much. I would've died for him or something equally stupid. I was so hopelessly devoted. But....ugh. It's just depressing to think about it. I don't know if I'm just hurt and not actually angry or what. But damn. I am going to make myself feel amazing by tearing him apart, quite literally, and feeding him to Rupert, sr.
unionjack_it on October 15th, 2010 01:46 pm (UTC)

......deep breaths! Okay.

Right now, at this very moment, Miss Shinigami is making love (?) to her husband in the campsite one over. At least I think so, anyway. She's making love to her husband, the one that she married, not the political one but the one that she married cuz they're in love, and they even have two children together. Two whole children! I'm so happy for her.....

......I guess. It doesn't really feel like happiness. I feel empty, and selfish. The whole ordeal makes me ask myself things like "Okay, Max, so what is it that makes you suck so bad to make her cheat on you and not have two whole children with you? Clearly if she's so happily married to M, and you're now divorced, you are just not her type and now you need to move on." But how can I?

There is no moving on. It's awful. It's unhealthy. Sometimes I think I'm safe, I think I've moved on and my feelings for her are over for good, until... I hear about her, or even worse, see her again. Today, seeing her again, and then finding out about her new marriage...her new perfect, everything-she-ever-wanted marriage... it was too much. I couldn't handle it, and I broke into tears. After running away I banged my head against a tree a few times because seriously, why am I still not over her? Why do I still love her so much? How is it so hard for me to look at her and not feel the same excited heartbeat in my chest that I felt the moment I first saw her? Why is it so impossible to just slap myself and start over?

I can't help it. That's my wife. My wonderful, beloved wife. And to see her as the wonderful, beloved wife of someone else.... I just want to scream so many curse words at the sky. It's all too late. It's just....too late.

I should never have let her go. When she asked for a divorce, I should have stood my ground...I should have talked her out of it. I should have been a stronger husband. It is my greatest regret. And it will haunt me for the rest of my life.

So.... that's it, I guess. This is the rest of my life. A missed opportunity. A failed attempt. It's not going to go anywhere else from here; I've already tried, and my heart refuses to budge. I'm stuck living in regret and unrequited love for the rest of my life.

What a lovely, joyous future. Time to drink.
a timelord victorious.: CASTIEL; ...i don't think so.ebolavirus on October 16th, 2010 12:22 am (UTC)
REINA - part 6
Satan, I don't know what to do. I thought I was done thinking of Max, I mean I fucking complained about him for a million years a second ago, but now my heart hurts because he's out in the campsite next mine and he just told me he was still in love with me and he never stopped being in love with me and what the fuck I don't know what's wrong with me why does this hurt so much. i feel like i just sat through a montage of everything i've been through with him.

I've never felt like I belonged so much to a family before the Browns. I don't really like M's family very much, I'll be honest, they're sort of boring...and they'd never accept me as a person if they knew me.

It's weird to be around them again, because we're still so...perfect, you know? The way we know each other. The way we talk to each other is so natural. I think M sees it, and I think he also hates it. Part of me thinks he did know that Max was my ex-husband and that's why he intentionally upset him.

I'm dreading the future conversations I have with M right now, because he's going to freak out. I've never had him too angry before, but when I tell him what I did while he was gone... he's going to be furious. And I can already see the argument about Elpis coming a mile away, and I can see that M is getting impatient about Goldsap and -- ...do you think we're falling apart? Maybe this is all in my head, but... his patience with me, his love for me, that's not unconditional. Or maybe I'm just being oversensitive... ugh. this is so hard. i'm going to get drunk.